Foreclosure Avoiders Changed My Life

I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind, yet now I see! Leave your troubles and your hairline behind and get on the fast-track to recovery!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Breaking FACML Exclusive!! That's FACML, Not FARML!!!

Our secret Foreclosure Avoiders insiders have told us off the record that both Casey Serin and Nigel "Comments Disabled" Swaby have inked lucrative contracts with Comedy Central to be featured as characters in the next season of Southpark.

The character "Mansack" will be loosely based on Casey Serin's life as a ne'er-do-well flipper and failure enthusiast. Award-winning proxy-expert and pleather investor Nigel Swaby will consult for the new character "Smarmy", a lonely Mormon kid who likes to give himself awards.



Also, don't miss this week's 6 Degrees of Casey Serin!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

[PRWeb] Nigel Swaby unveils new line of high performance hair products

[SelfPRWeb] Swabco Industries® has unveiled its new line of high performance hair replacement products with the line being anchored by their new Scalp Algae System™. The firm hopes to capture significant market share from industry leader Propecia.

Founder and award-winning blogger Nigel Swaby said "We feel that the hair replacement market is entirely too focused on research and results, and far too often pleather-wearing customers are forced to accept marginally effective and expensive products out of sheer desperation. It is just such a market of hysteria and pseudo-science in which we hope to find a niche for our fine product."

The product takes the novel approach of using all natural pool algae to create the appearance of lush, full, and moist hair-substitute. The user merely sprinkles the algae base onto their forehead, applies a special formulation of Axe Voodoo, and then exposes their head to solar radiation. "As I kept reading their story, I realized algae are very intelligent and pretty shrewd about reaching their goal of being mostly caused by the sun," Swaby added. The user may expose their scalp from anywhere between 30 minutes and 2 hours, depending on fullness of hair-substitute desired.

Currently offered varieties include Modesto Green, Larchmont Lawn Brown, Mormon White, and All-Weather Pleather Black.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Refuting the Haterz lies with cold hard speculation

Today we examine some of the myths, half-truths, and outright lies perpetrated on the public by the housing industry as exposed under the expert tutelage of Nigel Swaby, award-winning blogger and search engine optimizer. Like all messiahs, those who preach differently than the rest of the crowd are bound to suffer significant persecution. The housing blogosphere is no different.

Let's begin with one such brilliant observation that has gotten a lot of criticism from those jerks over at Exurban Nation and the crybabies at Foreclosure Avoiders Ruined My Life. (I don't think they ever had much of a life to begin with.)

"Consider this parallel - When I was growing up, I could buy a McDonalds hamburger for 25 cents. No matter how much I hope, pray or wish for hamburger prices to come down, I will never see that level of hamburger pricing again. The same applies to housing." Nigel Swaby, SLC Real Estate Blog, 11/8/06.

What Master Swaby is saying here is a remarkable statement and it rings just as truthinessy today as the day he said it: except for the rare times when they go down, hamburger prices ALWAYS GO UP. This is because during the Spring hamburger buying season, excess hamburger inventories will be bought up by lethargic overweight Mormon children, while distressed burger flippers will either drop their prices accordingly or move into other more stable markets such as filet o'fishes or possibly Arby's melts. Then, through some kind of market mechanism, possibly due to Mormons needing somewhere to put their fat lazy children, the housing market will follow a similar pattern! Amazing! Using historical hamburger pricing data, the graph above (courtesy of Nouveau Swaby University) shows that there is in fact a strong correlation between fast food prices and Salt Lake real estate. The most surprising result was the uniform increase and subsequent depletion across all fast food sectors during the 2003 prlinkbiz visit. The data don't lie, folks.

Another problem that has been puzzling biologists for years is what exactly is the cause of algae. This debate has raged for decades with many scientists suggesting such hogwash as dirty pools are caused by quantum particles, black magic, and even going so far as to say that lack of maintenance might be a factor. Nigel Swaby knew this to be pure poppycock, balderdash, and tommyrot and that there could be only one correct conclusion: that algae is mostly caused by the sun. He then contracted his friend, an ass-kicking forensic algaeologist to conduct a scientificish study. (Seriously, he's an avid fisherman whose weaponry skills are utilized strongly by the Navy SEALs and Brian S. Nick. Sea life would never want to mess with this guy; he has no sympathy for plankton.) Anyway, the results came back, and yet again, Nigel was proven correct. As the pie chart above shows, the sun is indeed mostly the cause of algae. Furthermore, he suggests an ingenious plan to deprive the algae of the sun: put the pool indoors, like Nigel's pool! That's right, Nigel has a pool, and it's in his house! In fact, it's located between his driveway, which has a BMW parked on it, and the 28000 gallon pond in the backyard which is full of koi, which are fish.

So let this be a lesson to you haterz - before you go off haterzing on people, maybe you should do your homework.

Please check out these award-winning Foreclosure Avoiders resources: Foreclosure Avoiders Foreclosure Avoiders Foreclosure Avoiders

Monday, April 30, 2007

The rise and fall of Jeff from SDCIA

Running a close second behind Casey Serin in notoriety among the housing bubble blogs, Jeff from the San Diego Creative Investing Association forums purchased 14 homes in 14 weeks using 100% financing. Unlike Serin, it does not appear that he lied on his stated-income ("liar") loans. It is however surprising to say the least that a Taco Bell night manager would be able to qualify for this much debt. Here, through Jeff's own comments, we track his state of mind as he goes from cocky over-confident newbie investor to puking finger-pointing financial trainwreck.

In the beginning, the modest investor...

""Ludicrous" is a word in the same category as "irrational" (as in lacking rational thought) or "unreasonable" (as in lacking reason) or "foolish" (as in stupid). It does not fit well into a well-meaning discussion among thoughtful peers.

But even if it did, you should reserve it for cases where you are actually right. A 50% return is NOT ludicrous, or silly, or unreasonable. In fact, the idea that you should expect ANY less with a 5% downpayment is, to put it mildly, far-fetched."

No ego here...
"My hesitation at embracing your choice of words was NOT that ludicrous was offensive (though it was) but that it was wrong. It is NOT absurd to expect that a reasonably competent investor, one who is paying even the slightest attention, can expect returns of 50%."

Jeff knows best...
""I doubt you would make much money on this" indeed. How could you not make money on a house that is going up at 27% a year...dang!

First of all, I am not a flipper. I have no intention in trying to sell this home and "make" my ~30k this year. I am funding my retirement!"

"For the Benjonsians...first some good news. Due to some cost over-runs by the builder (can you trust any builders?), plus 4-8 months over on the construction loan limits (I have to pay the interest!), plus some hidden costs on the modification to term loans, the final 3 houses will cost me 10k to 20k to close. If true, this will entirely wipe out my primary cash reserves.

Now the bad news...for you B.J. guys...even using this new conservative approach to valuing my homes (using the minimum value), I still come up with an estimate of an increase of $42k per house--or a total increase of $582k. Another way to look at it, I have turned my original $198k of equity (in my primary residence) into $706k of equity in 14 other houses. This is about a 350% return (albeit "on paper") in roughly 20 months of investing."

"The bad news is...I can't quit my job as night manager at Taco Bell.

The good news...I was fired from my job as night manager at Taco Bell. I am unemployed."

Jeff sasses Ben Jones...
"Once again, my thanks to Mr. Jones...for his help in teaching us "morons" a thing or two about taxes!"

"I love America..."

Everything is FINE...
"Though not as remarkable as my earlier estimates, a conservative 170% is still pretty good for ~20 months of investing..."

Just PEACHY...
"You can state whatever you want, that is the problem with (beauty of?) stated income loans!

The short answer is I "feed it" the same way I purchased it--with 100% borrowed funds."

Cracks in the facade...
"I am having difficulty renting two properties. One in ABQ (slow time of the year) and one in Cape Coral (too much competition or bad PM, I can't decide). These two houses alone are costing me ~3k a month. Ouch!

Change in perspective or approach? I can say that I adamantly wish I hadn't bought any houses in Cape Coral! If only I would of known that they were going to be the worst performing. Except for them, I would say that I am batting a thousand. All my other houses have gone up remarkably and cost me very little each month."

Storm clouds on the horizon...
"O.K., I am sick to my stomach and have tears in my eyes...

The above two cut-and-pastes, taken together, seem to support the view that only the Katrina Go Zone, 1400M(1), qualifies for the bonus depreciation...

I am so MAD at my tax guy, he assured me I qualified (and charged me $750 bucks!). He is "looking into it..." and will get back to me...""

Prophecy time...
"I would of bailed on these houses--took my loses--if I hadn't been given assurances by several professionals that I could get Go-zone depreciation bonuses on these houses. Turns out that is unlikely (not absolutely sure STILL), so sticking with them was an even bigger mistake.

On the flip side, every other purchase I made that year was a good one. So not counting the Cape Coral homes I am WAY ahead. My two SLC houses probably have increased 120k all by themselves. Still, those CC houses really burn my hide...

Anyway, am I happy I did it? You bet. I'll be even happier in 20 years when I retire with 8 million in equity (assuming 6% appreciation).

Or I'll go bankrupt in the next two or the other."

Not looking good...
" looks like those who warned me that Florida properties won't work were right--so far, it might change (acknowledgment to those that warned me this might be the case...).

This is true despite many Realtors and others, (professionals!) swearing to me that Florida DID qualify--including the nationally famous Marshall Reddick."

Uh oh...
"As you suggest...selling one of my SLC houses is a good idea (or a requirement!). In fact, I have been "selling" them for two the sense that a LO is "selling." As it turn out, none of my "sales" has gone through. I hope to hold on for one more year...~25% appreciation (the second highest in the nation) is difficult to walk away from. But I will need the money from one of these houses simply to pay the negative on my "dogs."

I am embarrassed/disappointed to report that I am well into my "back up" reserves. They will hold me for another year or so depending on vacancies. A sale of one of my SLC houses will hold me for another year or so..."

"I will be the first to admit that my CC homes are a huge problem, one without any easy solution. But even if I end up losing 30k a piece on them, I am still ahead of the game a couple hundred thousand dollars (so far).

If I would of listened to the Ben Jones crowd I would still be huddled under my bed yelling "the recession is coming, the recession is coming" and praying that everyone else looses their shirts in real estate so that I can "buy in." No thanks.

Am I sorry I took the plunge and did something crazy? No way. I will cry all the way to the bank."

It's not Jeff's fault...
"Sadly, regrettably, this is exactly where I have my houses. Even more sad is I have three of them. I am not the type of person to sue other people (even though I was misled or outright lied to by the broker, the builder, the lender, and the PM!), so I will just be trying to keep up my end of the bargain (even though the builder and the lender did not keep up their end).

These houses were my one clear mistake in my year of purchases (I actually signed contract on 14 houses in 14 weeks). But they are BIG mistakes I am am trying to live with them."

"Basically, they promised that I would close on this loan in less than 12 months, and that I would have to bring no money to closing.

Instead, because the builder went over the 12 months (it has been 25 months on one house that has about three more to go). I am paying about $1700 a month holding costs on a house under construction, and I will have to pay about 8k-10k for a refinance on this loan. Times three houses.


It's the lenders' fault...
"The problem is when lenders either lie or encourage other people to lie to get a the guy whose payments were over 100% of his income--I do blame those type of lenders..."

" many of you know I own three terrible houses in Cape Coral Florida. Through a series of misjudgments and being taken advantage of (and lied to), I am losing ~$1000 on month on each of these houses when they are rented. I am just sick about them and often cannot sleep--like now."

Humble pie...
"I am not so cocky now!

I am in the process of evicting the tenant in one house in SLC. When she leaves I am putting that house up for sale."

"I do have some new info to share. One new fact is that "short sales" are now going for as low as 185k for these houses. Ouch!

The lender doesn't even want to discuss with me my options until the house has been on the market 60-90 days...and they won't tell me what price to put it on at for a short sale...I am supposed to just guess and bring offers...

Going to bed...night all. With any luck I'll be able to sleep. I know this has been coming for months now, but I feel that it all became real only in the last couple of days..."

"Depends...these houses "appraised" for 315k. They are selling on the MLS for anywhere from 209k (possible short sales?) to 230k. I was told yesterday that some short sales are going as low as 185k. Selling on the MLS adds an additional cost of ~15k in Realtor fees...

I currently have my empty house on the market as a LO at 284k. I am also offering to carry a 10% second at this price. My agent in the area says this is a "possible"--so far two weeks and no bites."

*** side note: 4/25/07 Jeff busts Nigel on his lack of fact checking ***

*** Jeff disappears ***

Jeff begins to crack up...

"I have been ill...

I can't sleep, I can't eat, when I do eat it comes up. This morning I started the day with a shower and threw up in the shower...

I am barely functioning, I try to read everyone's posts...

To those of you that insist that these houses were a mistake, you were right.

To those of you offering constructive advice and support, thank you.

I try to read everything but the words are just swimming, I'll try again later..."

Thrilling new web poll!! The excitement is palpable.

Evil haterz temptress Stephanie J has been hard at work glamourizing the sordid lives of the accursed haterz with her obviously fraudulent haterz census. We here at FACML want to set the record straight once and for all as to who schooled who in the Nigel Swaby / Exurban Nation debates. Clearly, our main man the Swabster served up the haterz with a heaping helping of steaming self-righteous and only semi-plagiarized facts, while the best the haterz could do was to talk about economics. Nice try, loosers. Check out these examples:

"Of course housing isn't a zero-sum game. We learned that along time ago that any economy module wasn't when mercantilism got busted by Smith. But, poor lending practices and rampant consumerism, ignorance, stupidity, and other vices of mainstream america are hurting communities throughout, though since alot of the hurt isn't in plain sight, folks miss it." - some looser haterz
See, what the hell is this gibberish. They're making up words. What does Anna Nicole getting busted have to with economics?

"Consider this parallel - When I was growing up, I could buy a McDonalds hamburger for 25 cents. No matter how much I hope, pray or wish for hamburger prices to come down, I will never see that level of hamburger pricing again. The same applies to housing." - award-winning blogger Nigel Swaby
Amen, Brother Swaby, I couldn't have put it better myself. To put these intellectual concepts into language that the non-NRU educated can understand: if you believe in housing bubbles, you therefore hate happy meals, and consequently children. Haterz can be so hateful.

We're confident in the ultimate outcome of this poll. Our prediction: Nigel - 1000, Rob - 12 (that's how many haterz there are, just ask Nigel.)

Who roolz, who droolz?

Who is the clear winner of the Nigel Swaby / Exurban Nation feud?

Rob Dawg
Nigel Swaby, because he deleted all comments to the contrary
Nigel Swaby, because he has a pool
Camp Idiot trolls
Unilever, maker of Axe body spray
Duane Legate, Brian S. Nick, and Chris Record, because everybody forgot about them
Isamu the sockpuppet
Google Ads
the Olympic pin industry

Current Results

FACML Exclusive!! Hott Stephanie J photos!!!

All right you filthy haterz pervertz, today we bring you exclusive candid shots of sexy ball-kicking jeep babe Steph J for your viewing pleasure. We can't reveal how we obtained these, but let's just say it may have involved large sums of dirty pennies and the loss of several super-accountants' lives. As you stare into the eyes that broke 2759 haterz' cold black hearts, remember which website brought you this story-of-the-year.

Haterz demand sizzling flipper-squashing jeep washing action, and FACML listens. (Unlike FARML, which is essentially a big digital sausage party.) Remember, vote FACML at the Carnival of Blogging About Other Blogs this week.

By the way, you owe us $2.99 per minute for staring at this post and drooling, you haterz pervz. (Unless you're The Original Kevin, in which case you owe us $9.99 per minute.)

P.S. Who is the man?
Nigel Swaby Nigel Swaby Nigel Swaby Nigel Swaby Nigel Swaby

Saturday, April 28, 2007

[PRWeb] Nigel Swaby announes new line of spray-on hair products

This is as of press time unconfirmed, but our industry sources report that award-winning real-estate blogger and Olympic pin salesman Nigel Swaby is preparing to not only tile his tub but also unveil his new line of Swabco brand spray-on hair products. Ron Popeil is supposedly involved, along with Ryan Seacrest whom Nigel got to know intimately backstage at the 2002 Winter Olympics.

This will expand on Swabco's already succesful line of home cranial pubic implant kits.