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Showing posts with label Foreclosure Avoiders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Foreclosure Avoiders. Show all posts

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Breaking FACML Exclusive!! That's FACML, Not FARML!!!

Our secret Foreclosure Avoiders insiders have told us off the record that both Casey Serin and Nigel "Comments Disabled" Swaby have inked lucrative contracts with Comedy Central to be featured as characters in the next season of Southpark.

The character "Mansack" will be loosely based on Casey Serin's life as a ne'er-do-well flipper and failure enthusiast. Award-winning proxy-expert and pleather investor Nigel Swaby will consult for the new character "Smarmy", a lonely Mormon kid who likes to give himself awards.

MANSACK

SMARMY


Also, don't miss this week's 6 Degrees of Casey Serin!

Monday, April 30, 2007

The rise and fall of Jeff from SDCIA

Running a close second behind Casey Serin in notoriety among the housing bubble blogs, Jeff from the San Diego Creative Investing Association forums purchased 14 homes in 14 weeks using 100% financing. Unlike Serin, it does not appear that he lied on his stated-income ("liar") loans. It is however surprising to say the least that a Taco Bell night manager would be able to qualify for this much debt. Here, through Jeff's own comments, we track his state of mind as he goes from cocky over-confident newbie investor to puking finger-pointing financial trainwreck.


In the beginning, the modest investor...

""Ludicrous" is a word in the same category as "irrational" (as in lacking rational thought) or "unreasonable" (as in lacking reason) or "foolish" (as in stupid). It does not fit well into a well-meaning discussion among thoughtful peers.

But even if it did, you should reserve it for cases where you are actually right. A 50% return is NOT ludicrous, or silly, or unreasonable. In fact, the idea that you should expect ANY less with a 5% downpayment is, to put it mildly, far-fetched."

No ego here...
"My hesitation at embracing your choice of words was NOT that ludicrous was offensive (though it was) but that it was wrong. It is NOT absurd to expect that a reasonably competent investor, one who is paying even the slightest attention, can expect returns of 50%."

Jeff knows best...
""I doubt you would make much money on this" indeed. How could you not make money on a house that is going up at 27% a year...dang!

First of all, I am not a flipper. I have no intention in trying to sell this home and "make" my ~30k this year. I am funding my retirement!"

Itsallgood...
"For the Benjonsians...first some good news. Due to some cost over-runs by the builder (can you trust any builders?), plus 4-8 months over on the construction loan limits (I have to pay the interest!), plus some hidden costs on the modification to term loans, the final 3 houses will cost me 10k to 20k to close. If true, this will entirely wipe out my primary cash reserves.

Now the bad news...for you B.J. guys...even using this new conservative approach to valuing my homes (using the minimum value), I still come up with an estimate of an increase of $42k per house--or a total increase of $582k. Another way to look at it, I have turned my original $198k of equity (in my primary residence) into $706k of equity in 14 other houses. This is about a 350% return (albeit "on paper") in roughly 20 months of investing."

Whoops...
"The bad news is...I can't quit my job as night manager at Taco Bell.

The good news...I was fired from my job as night manager at Taco Bell. I am unemployed."

Jeff sasses Ben Jones...
"Once again, my thanks to Mr. Jones...for his help in teaching us "morons" a thing or two about taxes!"

"I love America..."

Everything is FINE...
"Though not as remarkable as my earlier estimates, a conservative 170% is still pretty good for ~20 months of investing..."

Just PEACHY...
"You can state whatever you want, that is the problem with (beauty of?) stated income loans!

The short answer is I "feed it" the same way I purchased it--with 100% borrowed funds."

Cracks in the facade...
"I am having difficulty renting two properties. One in ABQ (slow time of the year) and one in Cape Coral (too much competition or bad PM, I can't decide). These two houses alone are costing me ~3k a month. Ouch!

Change in perspective or approach? I can say that I adamantly wish I hadn't bought any houses in Cape Coral! If only I would of known that they were going to be the worst performing. Except for them, I would say that I am batting a thousand. All my other houses have gone up remarkably and cost me very little each month."

Storm clouds on the horizon...
"O.K., I am sick to my stomach and have tears in my eyes...

The above two cut-and-pastes, taken together, seem to support the view that only the Katrina Go Zone, 1400M(1), qualifies for the bonus depreciation...

I am so MAD at my tax guy, he assured me I qualified (and charged me $750 bucks!). He is "looking into it..." and will get back to me...""

Prophecy time...
"I would of bailed on these houses--took my loses--if I hadn't been given assurances by several professionals that I could get Go-zone depreciation bonuses on these houses. Turns out that is unlikely (not absolutely sure STILL), so sticking with them was an even bigger mistake.

On the flip side, every other purchase I made that year was a good one. So not counting the Cape Coral homes I am WAY ahead. My two SLC houses probably have increased 120k all by themselves. Still, those CC houses really burn my hide...

Anyway, am I happy I did it? You bet. I'll be even happier in 20 years when I retire with 8 million in equity (assuming 6% appreciation).

Or I'll go bankrupt in the next two years...one or the other."

Not looking good...
"Sadly...it looks like those who warned me that Florida properties won't work were right--so far, it might change (acknowledgment to those that warned me this might be the case...).

This is true despite many Realtors and others, (professionals!) swearing to me that Florida DID qualify--including the nationally famous Marshall Reddick."

Uh oh...
"As you suggest...selling one of my SLC houses is a good idea (or a requirement!). In fact, I have been "selling" them for two years...in the sense that a LO is "selling." As it turn out, none of my "sales" has gone through. I hope to hold on for one more year...~25% appreciation (the second highest in the nation) is difficult to walk away from. But I will need the money from one of these houses simply to pay the negative on my "dogs."

I am embarrassed/disappointed to report that I am well into my "back up" reserves. They will hold me for another year or so depending on vacancies. A sale of one of my SLC houses will hold me for another year or so..."

EVERYTHING IS FINE...
"I will be the first to admit that my CC homes are a huge problem, one without any easy solution. But even if I end up losing 30k a piece on them, I am still ahead of the game a couple hundred thousand dollars (so far).

If I would of listened to the Ben Jones crowd I would still be huddled under my bed yelling "the recession is coming, the recession is coming" and praying that everyone else looses their shirts in real estate so that I can "buy in." No thanks.

Am I sorry I took the plunge and did something crazy? No way. I will cry all the way to the bank."

It's not Jeff's fault...
"Sadly, regrettably, this is exactly where I have my houses. Even more sad is I have three of them. I am not the type of person to sue other people (even though I was misled or outright lied to by the broker, the builder, the lender, and the PM!), so I will just be trying to keep up my end of the bargain (even though the builder and the lender did not keep up their end).

These houses were my one clear mistake in my year of purchases (I actually signed contract on 14 houses in 14 weeks). But they are BIG mistakes I am am trying to live with them."

DOH!!!!
"Basically, they promised that I would close on this loan in less than 12 months, and that I would have to bring no money to closing.

Instead, because the builder went over the 12 months (it has been 25 months on one house that has about three more to go). I am paying about $1700 a month holding costs on a house under construction, and I will have to pay about 8k-10k for a refinance on this loan. Times three houses.

Ouch."

It's the lenders' fault...
"The problem is when lenders either lie or encourage other people to lie to get a loan...like the guy whose payments were over 100% of his income--I do blame those type of lenders..."

RUH ROH...
"Well...as many of you know I own three terrible houses in Cape Coral Florida. Through a series of misjudgments and being taken advantage of (and lied to), I am losing ~$1000 on month on each of these houses when they are rented. I am just sick about them and often cannot sleep--like now."

Humble pie...
"I am not so cocky now!

I am in the process of evicting the tenant in one house in SLC. When she leaves I am putting that house up for sale."

RUH ROH RUH ROH...
"I do have some new info to share. One new fact is that "short sales" are now going for as low as 185k for these houses. Ouch!

The lender doesn't even want to discuss with me my options until the house has been on the market 60-90 days...and they won't tell me what price to put it on at for a short sale...I am supposed to just guess and bring offers...

Going to bed...night all. With any luck I'll be able to sleep. I know this has been coming for months now, but I feel that it all became real only in the last couple of days..."

MEGA RUH ROH...
"Depends...these houses "appraised" for 315k. They are selling on the MLS for anywhere from 209k (possible short sales?) to 230k. I was told yesterday that some short sales are going as low as 185k. Selling on the MLS adds an additional cost of ~15k in Realtor fees...

I currently have my empty house on the market as a LO at 284k. I am also offering to carry a 10% second at this price. My agent in the area says this is a "possible"--so far two weeks and no bites."

*** side note: 4/25/07 Jeff busts Nigel on his lack of fact checking ***

*** Jeff disappears ***

Jeff begins to crack up...

"I have been ill...

I can't sleep, I can't eat, when I do eat it comes up. This morning I started the day with a shower and threw up in the shower...

I am barely functioning, I try to read everyone's posts...

To those of you that insist that these houses were a mistake, you were right.

To those of you offering constructive advice and support, thank you.

I try to read everything but the words are just swimming, I'll try again later..."

Thrilling new web poll!! The excitement is palpable.

Evil haterz temptress Stephanie J has been hard at work glamourizing the sordid lives of the accursed haterz with her obviously fraudulent haterz census. We here at FACML want to set the record straight once and for all as to who schooled who in the Nigel Swaby / Exurban Nation debates. Clearly, our main man the Swabster served up the haterz with a heaping helping of steaming self-righteous and only semi-plagiarized facts, while the best the haterz could do was to talk about economics. Nice try, loosers. Check out these examples:

"Of course housing isn't a zero-sum game. We learned that along time ago that any economy module wasn't when mercantilism got busted by Smith. But, poor lending practices and rampant consumerism, ignorance, stupidity, and other vices of mainstream america are hurting communities throughout, though since alot of the hurt isn't in plain sight, folks miss it." - some looser haterz
See, what the hell is this gibberish. They're making up words. What does Anna Nicole getting busted have to with economics?


"Consider this parallel - When I was growing up, I could buy a McDonalds hamburger for 25 cents. No matter how much I hope, pray or wish for hamburger prices to come down, I will never see that level of hamburger pricing again. The same applies to housing." - award-winning blogger Nigel Swaby
Amen, Brother Swaby, I couldn't have put it better myself. To put these intellectual concepts into language that the non-NRU educated can understand: if you believe in housing bubbles, you therefore hate happy meals, and consequently children. Haterz can be so hateful.


We're confident in the ultimate outcome of this poll. Our prediction: Nigel - 1000, Rob - 12 (that's how many haterz there are, just ask Nigel.)












Who roolz, who droolz?



Who is the clear winner of the Nigel Swaby / Exurban Nation feud?






Rob Dawg
Nigel Swaby, because he deleted all comments to the contrary
Nigel Swaby, because he has a pool
Camp Idiot trolls
Unilever, maker of Axe body spray
Duane Legate, Brian S. Nick, and Chris Record, because everybody forgot about them
Isamu the sockpuppet
Google Ads
the Olympic pin industry
Mish

Current Results



FACML Exclusive!! Hott Stephanie J photos!!!

All right you filthy haterz pervertz, today we bring you exclusive candid shots of sexy ball-kicking jeep babe Steph J for your viewing pleasure. We can't reveal how we obtained these, but let's just say it may have involved large sums of dirty pennies and the loss of several super-accountants' lives. As you stare into the eyes that broke 2759 haterz' cold black hearts, remember which website brought you this story-of-the-year.

Haterz demand sizzling flipper-squashing jeep washing action, and FACML listens. (Unlike FARML, which is essentially a big digital sausage party.) Remember, vote FACML at the Carnival of Blogging About Other Blogs this week.

By the way, you owe us $2.99 per minute for staring at this post and drooling, you haterz pervz. (Unless you're The Original Kevin, in which case you owe us $9.99 per minute.)









P.S. Who is the man?
Nigel Swaby Nigel Swaby Nigel Swaby Nigel Swaby Nigel Swaby

Saturday, April 28, 2007

[PRWeb] Nigel Swaby announes new line of spray-on hair products

This is as of press time unconfirmed, but our industry sources report that award-winning real-estate blogger and Olympic pin salesman Nigel Swaby is preparing to not only tile his tub but also unveil his new line of Swabco brand spray-on hair products. Ron Popeil is supposedly involved, along with Ryan Seacrest whom Nigel got to know intimately backstage at the 2002 Winter Olympics.

This will expand on Swabco's already succesful line of home cranial pubic implant kits.


http://www.iamfacingforeclosure.com/213/last-foreclosure-no-houses-no-money-no-stereo/

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Award-winning koi enthusiast smeared! We are outraged.

As the leading Foreclosure Avoiders site on the web, we here at FACML are shocked and horrified at the way our award-winning mentor has been portrayed in this video. While we grant the music is indeed awesome, the portrayal of Nigel Swaby, award-winning web journalist and author of such award-winning blogs as Stuff for Sale in Salt Lake and Salt Lake Real Estate Blog, is not even remotely awesome.

Perhaps there is some credence to the criticism that Nigel Swaby, a licensed mortgage broker should not be associating and partnering with Casey Serin, an admitted mortgage fraud swindler. However, this sort of video criticism is unjustified. Please spread the word throughout the internet that the information contained therein is indeed false. There is a pastable link below. The size of Nigel swaby's sphincter is no one's business butt his own. (Haha, we used the word "butt" intentionally. This is the kind of award-winning humor that we've picked up from the comedy master Nigel Swaby at his award-winning Robert Cote attack site, RobertCoteSux. Don't miss the one where he photoshops Robert's head onto a walrus. Comedy gold, I tell you!)




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RE8_xJj2_Y

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Nigel Swaby: Elements of Style

Essentials to the Nigel Swaby Look

Here is a helpful guide from mortgage industry power broker Nigel Swaby to assist you, the pathetic haterz looser, in becoming an award-winning aspiring web jounalist and blogger.

Brought to you by Foreclosure Avoiders, the #2 Foreclosure Avoiders site on the web.


"As an award-winning aspiring web journalist, I am often asked by my 2759 fans, how exactly did I manage to land the real-estate story of the year, and win 3rd place at a blog carnival?

Well, it's all in the way that you present yourself to others. How others perceive you will dramatically influence the outcome of any business or romantic situation. Below are some tips on making that all-important first impression.

You'll want to start it off with either the tiger striped or leopard print speedos. This will add a little bonus flavor for the ladies when they discover your hidden wild side.






Next, add the pastel polo shirt and the pleated dockers. White is best, although khakis will work in a pinch.



These go perfectly with always stylish Topsiders and the classic pleather Members Only to make a bold statement.



For special occasions (such as Friday nights) bust out the custom Bill Shatner toupee, otherwise stick with the sensible neck-cape cap to hide your gleaming scalp.



Of course, you'll need sunglasses with leather side visors (preferably Ray-Bans) to give you that I'm mid-30's and impotent look.






And let's not forget to accessorize! The 18k gold plated calculator watch and collectible Jamaican bobsled team pin let everyone know that you're the kind of guy who can get access to even the most restricted Olympic VIP rooms.



Give yourself a good dousing with Axe body spray and Hai Karate. Apply liberally to the groin area. Now you're looking and smelling like an award-winner!



Throw on your water wings so that the ladies know you have a pool. Go outside and hop into your used BMW and you're ready to go turn some heads!"




The inevitable end result: success!! fame!! koi ponds!! 2759 fans!!

Haterz give up your copyright infringing ways, stop hatin', and start relatin'.

Nigel Swaby: Elements of Style
http://slcrealestate.blogspot.com/2007/04/march-was-tough-month-for-real-estate.html

Nigel Swaby: Elements of Style
http://www.iamfacingforeclosure.com/193/nigel-swaby-and-foreclosure-help-site/

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

This just in


Casey Serin gets a playful shove from the swamp creature that has evolved in the backyard of his Modesto property. Although the swamp creature acted in jest, Serin was none too pleased and has since labelled the creature "a hater."

http://www.iamfacingforeclosure.com/210/pool-maintenance-in-foreclosure/